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Ladies and gentlemen, Shane Gillis! Thank you. Thank you, guys. I appreciate that. How are you guys doing? That's good. That's great. I'm all right. I'm fine. I got a couple of things I'm dealing with. I don't know. I don' t know. I got to lose weight. It's a bummer. You know what I mean? When you finally get so fat, you're like, all right, hit that fat rock bottom. You guys are, some of you guys are probably fat as hell, right? Hey. Just one guy. But no, you hit that fat rock bottom. My fat rock bottoms sucked this year. I was in a Bud Light commercial every 10 minutes. I'd look up and see it on screen. I'd be like, I was like, oh, no, I look like a lesbian. You got to change. So I tried hiking. No, no. Hiking was horrendous. It was one of the worst experiences. I went hiking by myself. Everyone was like you're going to love it. You're going take in nature the whole time. I didn't take in the nature at all. I looked at the ground. I stared at the ground trying not to roll an ankle for like three hours. The worst part was the only other person I saw on the hike, I was turned a corner and the only other person I thought was just a beautiful woman walking towards me also by herself. So now I have like 30, 40 seconds, you know, we're both both thinking it. And look at me, obviously what I don't hike, obviously I'm so pale. I've never been outside. I was wearing an Adidas track suit just walking. I'm coming out of the woods with my head down towards her. You got to figure out what face to make to let her know I'm not here. Which is a tough face to made. I don't know if you've ever tried to make that face. The best I came up with was when I got close to her. I was like. It was terrifying. So 0 for 1 on hikes. I tried to go to a public gym. Going to the public gym is a fat guy. Especially in New York. It's a nightmare, dude. everyone's just the hottest gay guys you've ever seen they're jacked and they look at me like yeah right i know dude also i haven't been to the gym in so long i didn't know women just dress like whores now look i'm sorry there's no other way to describe i said have you seen it i've seen the shorts have you seeing the shorts those neon they're like the only they're like artificial bait colored the wrinkles the wrinkles go like around the cheeks and all combine at the butthole and don't look you're not allowed to look for real don't look because they are filming i'm i'm in the background of like 10 tiktoks right now all the equipment i haven't been in the gym and so i added the equipment's changed it's all like kettlebells and rubber bands and ropes i'm not doing kettlebell's fat publicly i'd rather die so i don't do that what's nice is in uh in texas my my my friend joe rogan has a private gym at his studio, which that's nice. I can work out there. No one's around. He also has a sauna, which I'm good at that. I could sauna with the best of them. So the other day, I was in the sauna. I'm sitting there. I'M BY MYSELF. NO ONE'S AROUND. SO I FIGURE, I'LL GET COMFORTABLE. I TAKE MY SHIRT OFF. I'VE BEEN IN MY UNDERWEAR. ABOUT FIVE MINUTES IN, THERE'S A KNOCK ON THE GLASS DOOR OF THE SAUNA THAT SCARED ME. I THOUGHT I WAS ALONE. I LOOK OVER, AND IT WAS THEO, VAUGHN, AND JOE. AND THEY OPEN THE DOOR, AND JOE JUST GOES, HEY, THEO SAID YOU LOOKED LIKE A GAS STATION EGG. and then they closed the door they left I didn't even get a comeback I was like yeah whatever now it's just me and that insult for 10 more minutes just baking with that insult there's no music in there now I'm arguing with Theo Vaughn in my head for 10 minutes like you look like uh some type of egg my cousin might have found shut up you dumb hick the thing that the thing that hurt the most was when he closed the glass door I saw my own reflection I looked exactly like a gas station egg. That's one of the meanest things anyone's told me. You look like a wet, bagged, hard-boiled egg. That's going to be in there for the rest of my life. I'll be like an old folks home looking out the window like, I'm not an egg, yo. All right, lay down. That's one of those insults that's just in there. I'm sure you have those. As soon as somebody says them to you, you're like, that's in there for the rest of my life. I've got a lot of those because I was raised by two older sisters. Nasty. then women are like those more psychological i was always jealous of the guys with older brothers because the worst you got there was like come here queer yeah i had two big fat bitch sisters psychological they both look like me with wigs they would say the meanest things everyone knows you're masturbating in the shower no i thought i was getting away with that i wasn't i was taking a big chunk out of the Herbal Essence. It's a see-through bottle. They knew. But my sister, sorry, my buddy's laughing. Shut up. Very nice. I love you. Anyway, my sister she got me with one that stuck with me for the rest of my life. I was a little old for what I was doing. I wasn't like sixth grade. I was laying on the floor in front of the TV and she was in the recliner behind me probably cracking a pilsner with her trucker forearms but i was laying on the floor like a mermaid i'll never forget what she said she said hey get out of the way of the tv bitch hips as a child bitch hips wet egg that's tough i'll tell you the thing that uh i'm really bothered by is i've balded directly into an adolf hitler haircut and it's not good because i give a lot of speeches and the front falls down a lot and there's no way to adjust it without looking exactly like that. It's the only way. I'm not going to do that. That's gay. That' it. You're either gay or you're Hitler. And isn't that where we're at as a country? Hey, that was the monologue, ladies and gentlemen. That is what it's all about. Hey, we've got a great show for you tonight. Rosalia is here. There So stick around, and we'll be right back.